Last week Tom attended the annual Dallas Ad Club luncheon centered on magazine advertising.  On site there are a multitude of booths set up  where attendees can get copies of literally all the current magazines.  Again this year he brought home at least two dozen in a tote bag, everything from InStyle to National Geographic Traveler.  I am not much of a magazine reader, but it is good to have something quick and relatively mindless to look through when the kids are swimming and I am hanging out in a lounge chair by the pool.  After perusing a number of the magazines he brought home, I have some observations.

First of all, the amount of advertising in magazines is ridiculous!  What is up with that?! It is completely overwhelming to me the number of ads for skin care, hair color, pharmaceuticals, diet pills, personal hygiene products, cosmetics….seriously, with so many options in wrinkle cream how the hell are women ever supposed to figure out what might work for us?!  The other problem is information just seems to get regurgitated in one form or another about once a year.  Am I the only person who’s noticed this trend?

Okay, back to the advertising….specifically the ads for pharmaceuticals.  Have you ever thought to yourself, after seeing an ad for some prescription medication, that the list of side effects is worse than the actual problem you are experiencing?  I mean yes I have a rash on my leg, but if I use your cream (or pop the pill you’re pumping) I may wind up  with nausea, vomiting, dry mouth, depression or, worse yet, suicidal!  No thanks, I’ll just deal with the leg rash.  It scares me to think about how our culture has become so quick to want to medicate away every little ache and pain.

I actually believe a lot of our physical aches and pains are the result of emotional and mental pain we’ve experienced in our lifetimes that we have suppressed.  What I mean by that is, as opposed to looking honestly at ourselves, at our past and where we stand today, we medicate.  If we just dealt with those emotions (hurt, regret, anger, fear, frustration) honestly and learned from it, we wouldn’t need to pop so many pills.  The worst part about this my friends is that we’re teaching our children to do the same thing.

I am not saying there aren’t very valid reasons why some people need to take medication.  I am saying we (as a society in general) are quick to think if I take something I’ll feel better.

People medicate themselves in a lot of different ways.  It might be pills, or alcohol, or shopping, or sex, or work, or over-scheduling your life so there is no time to pause.  Take just a minute to think about where you might be medicating.  Would love your feedback on this topic!

We met one day in late August 1968, when you were twenty-three years old.  My understanding is that it was a physically difficult introduction on your end…but emotionally joyous nonetheless.

Your love, encouragement, support and guidance have woven a constant thread through my life for as long as I can remember.  When I was sick, you took care of me.  When I was scared, you comforted me.  When I was confused, you listened without judgment, criticism or unwanted opinion.  You have been my loudest and most consistent cheerleader.

I am certain we had our share of bumps in my adolescence, although none come to mind at this point in my life.  At that time I may have felt you were intrusive, but in looking back I realize you took the job of protecting me very seriously.  I appreciate that. You saw things I couldn’t, you tried your best to protect me from harm, especially when I was my own worst enemy.

Your counsel proved invaluable as I navigated parenthood at eighteen.  It was your belief that allowed me to blossom into the role of a lifetime.  All the while your quiet, yet constant, assistance, love, optimism and trust have helped me to develop into the woman I have become.

Ralph Waldo Emerson is quoted as saying, “What lies before us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.”  What lies within me is the strength, courage, faith,determination, love, support, and grace of a wonderful mother who has been incredibly instrumental in where I am today.

Thank you seems so inadequate in comparison to all you’ve given to me Mom.  The best way I know to show you how much your mothering has meant to my life’s journey is to do my best to give the same qualities to my own daughter.

I love you so very much Mom and, God-willing, we’ll spend many more Mother’s Days together!

Saturday was a special day for the Muench family.  Maddux made his First Holy Communion.  There was a lot of time, energy and preparation involved in this sacrament….workbooks, prayer memorization, personal interview (yes, really) and a day-long retreat.  It was a big deal, and Maddux looked very handsome in his dress clothes.

I was raised Catholic, married in the church (after investigating some other avenues), and we “chose” to baptize our children into the Catholic faith.  Honestly, all of this was done without much thought, but rather, out of a sense of obligation and tradition to our families.  I have struggled with several of the basic teachings of the Catholic church most of my life.  While helping Maddux to prepare for this occasion, I had a lot of mixed feelings about what I was doing.  Although I found these feelings bothersome at times, I continued to help him in his quest to receive the sacrament.  Because I made a promise in front of God and my family to raise my children Catholic.

Rather than go into the specific “rules” I don’t agree with about the Catholic faith, let me say I came to the conclusion, after much reflection and visits to churches other than my own, every organized religion has it’s flaws.  I kind of equate it to the many, many homes I’ve lived in over my lifetime… there are always some good design elements, and some bad.  For instance, I loved our home on the lake, but hated that it was also located on a busy street (dangerous for the kids in both directions), or, the layout of our home on Hickory Drive was perfect for our family, except the kitchen was too small and needed updating.  You see what I mean?  Ya gotta take the good with the bad.  One of my dreams has always been to design my own home, to take all the great things from past houses and then build something “perfect.” But even then I’d probably find something I could improve upon.  I feel as if organized religion is the same deal.

I could concentrate on the details, like all the Catholic guilt that gets handed out (here’s a stellar example:  during the First Communion mass homily the priest told the children that because it was a Saturday they were to return Sunday morning because Saturday didn’t fulfill their Sunday obligation…and besides, they could wear their nice clothes one more time.  Even if their parents wanted to sleep in (mix of laughs and groans emerge from the pews here) the child was in charge of encouraging the family to show up).

Or, I could look at the big picture.

Going to church has always been a great way for our family to spend time together.  With the wide variety of ages of our kids, it can be tough to work around schedules or to even make it a priority to be together.  Families need to spend time together.  Church and dinner are two ways the Muenches make that happen.  I also believe many of the problems our kids face today arise because of a lack of self-esteem.  Having a firm understanding that their life has a purpose and there is something greater than ourselves in this existence is critical.  Also, knowing they are special, not just in the eyes of their parents, but in the eyes of something MUCH bigger is key.

Maddux felt very special on Saturday, we treated the day as if it was, and he was, cherished.  I may not agree with all the terms and conditions of the Catholic church, but it will give my children a foundation from which to work from when they become adults.  At that point they are free to make up their own minds on how to proceed, without comment from me.

We’re goin’ on vacation!  Whoop Whoop!!  Yes, Tom and I are going away (BY OURSELVES  shhhh!!!!!) to celebrate our anniversary.  The last time we spent more than 24 hours away from home (alone together), was in 2006 when I flew out to Phoenix to meet him after a sales conference and we stayed at the Biltmore in Phoenix for a few nights.  While we were there we climbed Camelback Mountain.  That may not sound like much to you, but it was monumental to me…which is why we’re goin’ back to do it again.  Not six years older, but six years wiser I say!

‘Course right after we booked the flight I got an email from the middle school.  Brigham is due to graduate this year and I have been asking other moms for months now if they knew the date of the award (graduation) ceremony.  Nobody knew.  So rather than actually call the school (which would have made a lot of sense looking back on it) I assumed (which is never a smart move) logically it would be the last week of school.  Nope.  And, of course, it falls smack dab in the middle of our vacation.

Have you ever experienced the cycle of guilt?  It is an evil pattern.  It starts with just plain feeling guilty about something (like…missing an event, returning a swimsuit you actually wore, speeding in a school zone, re-gifting that ugly sweater your sister gave you, setting the clock ahead an hour so your kids go to bed earlier) after the guilt comes justification (we deserve a vacation!, I only wore it for half a day for pete’s sake, I had to get to my hair appointment and kids were already in school anyway, my sister always re-gifts my stuff so who cares, the kids need some extra Zzzz’s it will be good for them) then the guilt comes back.  And so it goes round and round and round.

You don’t have to be a mother to partake in the cycle.  Although moms are generally super good at it.  Here the cycle starts with a simple question, bottle or breast?  And ends with….well, come to think of it, I don’t know the answer to that one (and can I say I am very grateful for the oblivion).

So, we are missing our son’s middle school graduation to take a well deserved vacation.  Surely he’ll understand, right?  We’ll send grandma and his big brother will be back from college, so it’s not like he won’t have anyone to cheer him on…why do I continue to feel so guilty?

The problem is my guilt cycle with Brigham goes way back.  Like prebirth, so we’re talking fourteen years.  It began with the fact that I ended up in the hospital with complications during my 26th week of pregnancy. I had to stay there for six weeks before he was actually born (at 34 weeks).  Doesn’t sound like much to feel guilty about, until I add in the fact that I was doing daily jumping jacks in my hospital room (behind closed doors, several sets a day) to bring on labor.  Not at 26 weeks of course…but further along, like by 30 weeks.  My ob actually kept me in the hospital so I wouldn’t be at home doing things I shouldn’t…like folding laundry, vacuuming and taking care of my 10 and 4-year-old sons.  And there I was doing jumping jacks to bring on labor because I was so insanely bored sitting in a hospital room.  Can you imagine if Brigham had been born with birth defects because of my behavior?!  Maybe that explains why I am feeling so guilty today about missing this event…

Now, I have a choice here, to continue to feel guilty about missing this (fairly momentous) event in his life or, let him know I love him and that I am really proud of him (which I try to do on a regular basis) and then go enjoy my vacation knowing that when I return I will be a much better mom (person) because of it.  So, that’s what I intend to to.  No more guilt.

Wow, that was easy….wish I’d a thought of it a long time ago!

After several conversations with Kim over the past few weeks, I decided that I would complete Part Two of “I Grow Because You Make Me” as a guest blogger on My Mothers Footprints. I do not anticipate this to launch a new career for me, as I do not consider myself much of a writer, but I am sure after every one of my FB friends reads my guest post and clicks on the “Like” button I’ll be asked to be a guest blogger on many more sites. Let’s see what my heart tells the brain which tells my fingers to type as my first official blog post. – Tom

Dear Kim,

First, I really enjoy watching you write, offering input from time to time and then reading the final rendition of your weekly blog. You have big visions of where you want to go with My Mothers Footprints. I admire your determination and persistence to posting every week, even if your progress is only taking baby steps right now. It is great to see you continue on each week as this has become therapeutic for you (and for our relationship as it has spurred many conversations on the patio at night after the kids are in bed).

Now as I dive into some deeper thoughts, I want to focus on our marriage as we are quickly approaching 20 years of saying “I Do!”

To me marriage is about looking inside your spouse to see beyond what most people do not see; it is to challenge the other, to love them through the ups and downs (or as you have often discussed – “unconditional love”) and to help encourage and bring the best out of them. With 5 kids, uncountable moves both in state and out of state, title changes at work, college, financial challenges….we have experienced a ton that has made the past 20 years fly by in a lot of respects.  While we are both extremely busy, you have taught me to realize and appreciate what is really important in life.  “I Grow Because You Make Me.”

Twenty+ years ago as a young couple we each took a leap of faith, committed “until death do us part” before family and friends and started on this journey. From those early days I enjoyed watching you take on new challenges and the phrase began in our relationship, “I Grow Because You Make Me.” I always get a kick out of hearing you say that, but I guess I never really stopped to think about how you have made me grow during our marriage.

In subtle ways you have worked more on developing my inner emotions/self while I have encouraged the physical challenges for you. You have encouraged me to express my feelings, let down my guard, be more open and I have to say I think by your persistence I am more tolerant, willing to communicate more freely, and we have developed into a stronger couple. “I Grow Because You Make Me.”

While most of my reading has been industry related magazines, newspapers and an occasional book on “selling,” I never really spent much time reading for pleasure or on topics that would make me a better person. Through your passion to read on topics to improve yourself, cope with marriage and kid’s challenges, and through your continual encouragement I have managed to take the time to read articles that you have sent me, left out on the counter with a note on it and even a few books over the past couple years which have helped make me realize the importance I can be in our kid’s lives.  While I will never read to the level you do, “I Grow Because You Make Me.”

When we started our engagement we were not very religious, and we even explored a non-denominational place to have our wedding ceremony. While we ended up marrying in the Catholic Church to appease our parents, it took a very long time to open our mind or hearts to God. As kids came into the picture and life threw some challenges at us, you started to take a greater interest in a spiritual side of life. With your encouragement, I have opened my mind again. I have to say this has been another area where I can say, “I Grow Because You Make Me!”

Part One of “I Grow Because You Make Me” started because I wanted to continue on the success I initiated to live a better life by starting a juice fast. Nothing but juice for the next 10 days. You decided to join in the fun, but for entirely different reasons.  Day 1 for me was really not that difficult and I tried not to gloat too much about it as I saw you suffer for something to chew on. The fruit juice concoctions were pretty easy to make and drink, but vegetables needed to be a part of the daily consumption.  I have to admit I never really found a vegetable recipe that tasted good but drank 2 – 3 glasses of whatever I made as quickly as possible with a smile on my face.  With Day 1 I was down 3 lbs. Come Day 2 you threw in the towel and modified your “juice only” diet and added in vegetables/salads. I was determined to press forward as my reasons were much deeper than yours.  Day 2 another 1.5 lbs. lost, total 4.5 lbs.  Day 3 – 5 continued on similar to the first 2, but it was difficult at times as I was looking for something solid as well to just chew.  Gum came in handy once in a while. Weighing in after Day 5 I was down a little more than 8 lbs. and decided the weight was coming off too quickly plus we were headed into the weekend.  I added in some salads, fruits and nuts along with still juicing for a meal or snack.  Through this experience together, I will have to call this one “We Grow Because We Make Each Other” we have started paying more attention to what we eat and more importantly to what our children are now eating.  Our visits to the grocery store focus on the outer ring of the store where most of the fresh, non- processed foods are.  I have to also compliment you on the success of your no wine, no Cheetos nightly insanity lasting 7 nights. While the Cheetos continue to be absent, your nightly wine ritual has been reestablished, although I think you realized no wine at night after the kids are in bed is not as big of an issue as you might have thought it to be.

I feel I could keep writing now that the juices are flowing (no I am not still drinking juice and too lazy to get up to use the bathroom) but I feel I need to wrap this up for now as I hate to wear out my welcome.  Here is a song that has always made me stop and listen and as I listen I think of you.

I love you and I look forward to “I Grow Because You Make Me!” as we embark on our 20 Year renewal of vows.

Tom

This is my last week of college (undergrad program anyway). (Can I hear a “Whoop Whoop!!) And I am experiencing a serious case of “senior-itis” (it’s a toss up as to whether that can be attributed to my age or my class rank…) anyways, I find when I am this tired, stressed out, and forget what’s truly important in life, I want to do one of two things….eat and drink my stress away, or dance. (I would be lying if I said I never did all three at once…)  Since I cannot do the former (because I am on a strict no wine and Cheetos diet), I shall share about the latter.

Dancing. I love nothing more than to turn on some music and get silly on whatever floor will have me.  (Too old for tables…)  One of my favorite places to dance is at our friend’s house in Wisconsin.  Last summer when we were in our favorite Northern state for a family wedding, I had the opportunity not once, but twice, to shake my bootie with my kids!  It was SO MUCH FUN! They thought I was crazy, yet I was thankful for the opportunity to let go.  We adults (parents) spend WAAAAYYYYYY too much time having to do things like pay bills, clean the house, cook, do laundry, drive people from point A to Point B, meet our bosses demands, be polite, eat healthy, teach appropriate manners, blah, blah, blah, BE A GOOD EXAMPLE.

Sheesh!  Once and a while it’s necessary to just throw on some tunes and let loose!

I know, I know, kind of embarrassing.  But you know what?  My kids thought I was a riot (not to mention my friends who were sitting at the bar watching and ignoring my initial invitation to join in the fun), and I was having a great time costarring with my daughter Mia.  Sometimes you just gotta let your hair down (so to speak) and “shake your groove thing”.  I’m telling you, the next time you are overwhelmed with the details of life, walk over to the stereo, hit the ON button and just move your body!  I am partial to Abba’s “Dancing Queen” but, will dance to just about anything…including Men Without Hats “Safety Dance”.  (I am sure I am dating myself here…)

Next week:  I Grow Because You Make Me Part 2 (authored by my first “guest blogger”!)

Dear Tom,

I believe the phrase, “I grow because you make me” came out of my mouth shortly after our first date.  Very early in our relationship you let me know, in no uncertain terms, that it was either date you or smoke cigarettes.  Not both.  And, truthfully, I needed that kind of ultimatum because I knew I never would have quit for myself.  Maybe if Nick had asked me, but not for myself.  The saying came in handy again just before we got married and I knew how much you wanted me to scuba dive with you in Jamaica.  Although I hated every single second of being in the pool with that god-awful heavy equipment, I was driven to get certified and dive with you on our honeymoon.  I have to say the Jamaican water and ocean life was unbelievable compared to my certification dive in that cold Wisconsin quarry. Very worth the effort.

Not long after that, we moved to California.  Leaving family and friends for the first time to move across the country was definitely a growth experience for me.  Your quest for adventure and spontaneity are just two of the qualities I love best about you.

There have been many times I have grown because of your initiative to prompt change in our lives.  Whether a big change like buying a new house, a job transfer, adding a family member or even the more mundane like trying a new restaurant, I grow because you make me.  And growth and change are good.

This new endeavor will be no different, and as we embark on this journey together, I know we will both grow because of, and in spite of, the changes we will make in the coming 10 days.  For we will challenge ourselves in a way we haven’t before.  This is what our menu will look like (in liquid form only)…

We are choosing to do this for different reasons.  For you it’s the number on the scale as well as a desire to rid yourself of medications you don’t want to be taking and to have a clean start.  I have watched you since the beginning of the year and because of your will power (as well as the Lenten season) I have great respect for what you have done so far just by changing your diet and upping your workouts.  After viewing several documentaries with you about healthy eating (“Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead” and “Food Matters”  both on Netflix) I can see a real value in changing our eating habits for life.  Not that I’m going to completely give up cheeseburgers or pizza, just eat them less often. 

I would like to say I am motivated solely in supporting you, but that would be a lie.  I need and want to do this because I am scared to death I can’t.  Even though at this point in my life I probably eat better than I ever have, there are some things that concern me about my daily intake.  Not the Chobani mixed with granola I eat every morning, or the dry Cheerios I eat mid-morning or the cheese crackers and fruit I eat for lunch, but the energy water I feel compelled to drink all day long because I am sluggish, the handfuls of M&Ms or candy bars or chips I nonchalantly toss in my mouth mid-afternoon….and, especially the wine and Cheetos I end every single day with.  The wine and Cheetos…well, in brutal honesty, the wine.  It’s the wine that scares me the most.

When one says “I always end the day with a glass of white wine” it seems harmless enough.  (At least it always has to me).  I mean, what’s the big deal, right?  It’s no secret that a glass of wine and a bowl of Cheetos has been the cornerstone of my mental health off and on (mostly on) for the last 25 years.  But when you really begin to think about it, 25 years is a LONG time.  And although my health at 43 is great, and 115 lbs. after having 5 kids sounds completely reasonable, drinking wine every night is beginning to scare me.  I have talked to myself about this on and off for some time now.  My internal justification is quite logical.  But there is a gnawing at the back of my brain.  A tiny whisper that just won’t go away.  And for me, these 10 days are much more pivotal than I can express to you here.  And so on this mission we will grow again.  Together, because growth and change are good.

I am making this public to hold myself accountable.  Will power is not my strong suit.  This is likely going to be one of the most personally challenging (and potentially bitchiest) times of my life.  I hope at the end of this 10 days to look back and think it wasn’t that bad.  To think, now I can start off on the right foot, my body cleansed of processed crap, my mind ready to make better choices for myself and for our kids.  (If the kids are still around….they may choose to call Grandma and ask for an extended sleepover…you and I on an only veggie and fruit juice cleansing for 10 days may just start World War III, who knows…). One thing I do know is that I cannot do this without you.

So here is my April 9, 2012 physical reality (115.8)…I don’t know what it will be on April 19th, maybe a few pounds lighter, maybe not…I really hope though that I will sleep better, feel more alert, and be able to look you in the eye and say with all honesty, “I don’t NEED the wine tonight.”

Thanks Tom, for helping me to grow over the years, and for loving me!

Love, Kim

PS: Hopefully I will be able to crack a smile at the end of this;o)

We had two kind of interesting things happen this week via Facebook…I say “kind of” because that’s what exactly what I mean.  Below, a brief description…

Tom and I follow a blog called Momastery (www.momastery.com) which is run by a woman named Glennon Melton.  More than merely witty posts, it is a movement that includes clothing and worldwide good deeds.  Glennon has been developing her site for 3-ish years and she is incredibly honest, creative, and funny.  She has roughly 26,000 followers. (Lovingly referred to as Monkees).   In recent months, her blog site has gained tremendous popularity, and Glennon has traveled to New York to meet with “people” about television/book writing/etc.  I would be lying if I didn’t admit that, in some respects, I admire where she is on her journey and her ability to write.

Glennon recently published a post about the Trayvon Martin case which was picked up by Huffington Post.  In her post she shares her honest thoughts and opinions about prejudice and racism.  This is what blogging is about, essentially sharing your insight.  Tom and I began talking about this post and how we are beginning to feel like the writing Glennon has been doing since she’s become so popular has been flavored with arrogance.  As if her opinion carries more weight, and she is well aware of it.  Tom posted an (admittedly fairly strong) comment on Momastery’s facebook page. This ended up creating quite a tongue lashing for him by some of the Monkees.  As I was reading this discussion, I became really scared by what I saw.  It appeared as though a number of people think Glennon can do no wrong, or say no wrong, essentially she is above questioning.  I began to wonder if I was just jealous, or if it was truly nuts that these people were so defensive about his comment.  I then began to wonder, if one developed a large following, would that change who you were?  Would it change the attitude and essence of your writing?  Could this be what is happening within Momastery…as a result of some further back and forth, I can say we’ve moved on from Momastery.  I know Glennon and her Monkees can ‘do hard things’ in a very capable manner without us.  It also taught me one very important lesson…write what you want for the pure enjoyment it gives you, and not to please others because there will always be a critic (or 2 or 2000).

So, the second interesting thing happened Saturday night.  Tom and Maddux went to a boyscout “lock in” at the local community center while I hosted a pajama/pizza/pedi…but NOT sleepover party for Mia’s 7th birthday.  The girls left around 9 p.m.,  I was in the middle of cleaning up when I get a frantic call on my cell phone from my friend Laurie in Wisconsin.  Laurie is wondering what the heck is going on and whether or not I am okay because of a picture and post Tom put on his FB page.  As I am beginning to tell her there’s nothing wrong, my home phone rings and it is a local friend wondering why we didn’t come to her house if we needed shelter, for pete’s sake!  On the heels of that call, I get a text from my son (who is 1,000-ish miles away at college and gave up FB for Lent)…”Is something going on at home?” So I reply to him and then jump on FB to find out what the deal is and then to type a response so the phone doesn’t continue to ring and the cops don’t show up at the door or something.  This was my husband’s idea of an early April Fool’s prank.  Tom posted some very general statements that let the minds of others generate their own impressions.  (By the way, I learned my son was NOT breaking his Lenten penitence, his friend (from another college in our home state) gave him the heads up because he saw Tom’s post on FB).

Facebook is (sometimes) a great thing.  It allows us to connect with loved ones far away (I just became an aunt again this weekend and was able to see my new niece via pictures posted on FB.  My brother lives many states away, so unfortunately this will have to suffice for a while).  Facebook is helpful to find birth parents, criminals, and to stay in touch with friends/family via quick, oftentimes comical banter.  On the other hand, with this technology comes inference.  By that I mean we infer what we read and sometimes the things we write get taken the wrong way, creating unnecessary problems.  We also become an open book.  It can become a very narcissistic endeavor.  I learned, while watching a 2009 documentary about Facebook (called The Facebook Obsession), everything we do, post, say, log, “like”…gets logged, saved and used as a very descriptive profile of each user that FB then markets to advertisers.  As a result of what I’ve seen this past week, I have a new-found respect for this social media site, realizing what we say gets tracked, gets shared with the world, and creates an impression on others that can be very hard to overcome.

If you follow my blog, you know I usually post by mid-morning on Mondays (because yes, I am anal retentive I self-impose my own deadline).  Anyways, I just finished a project for my PSY492 class (essentially the last big psych class before I graduate) and I feel compelled to share what I learned with you because it is a topic very close to my heart.

The focus of my research and review centered around this question:  What are the common parental traits which contribute to an adolescent’s use or abstinence from alcohol and drugs?  I had to use at least 10 peer reviewed sources.  I found 12 good ones and quit after that because although I am sure I could have found many more, I needed to actually read through and interpret the findings before writing the paper.

Before I share what I found, let me say we all know drugs and alcohol have been and will continue to be a part of life.  In my opinion, there is no banishing, only managing.  That being said, what can we (as parents, community members, mentors) do to create a better environment?

1.  Environmental factors (such as family dysfunction…strained marriages, strained parent/child relationships…) are influential for the timing of the initiation of substance use, but genetic factors (having a parent who has a substance abuse disorder) are more influential in accelerating the progression from initiation of use to heavier use.

2.  The younger the initiation of drugs and alcohol, the greater the potential to use heavily.

3.  Parental modeling plays a big role in what kids do (you know the old saying, “Monkey see, monkey do”).  Saying one thing (Don’t drink/do drugs) and doing another causes kids to feel like you are a hypocrite and may even prompt them to be more willing to give them a try.  This is not to say parents shouldn’t drink alcohol, but as role models it is important to do so in a responsible manner. I won’t insult your intelligence by going into interpreting “responsible”.

4.  Children who feel loved, understood, and paid attention to by parents help teenagers avoid high-risk activities, whether a child has one or both parents at home.  The total amount of time spent with the child is less important than the quality of time spent together.  Particularly at mealtimes and bedtime.

5.  The time to talk about your views on drugs and alcohol is now.  (Yes, even if you’re reading this and you have a 5-year-old).

6.  Lock up alcohol and pain medication.  As teens get older, emotional distress increases due to academics, social pressure, and independence, which may contribute to the temptation of substance use.

7.  Studies show the best parenting style is to employ authoritative tactics, characterized by warmth and support combined with rules and control. The other, polar opposite ends of the spectrum (permissive and authoritarian), have the potential to land you right where you don’t want to be.

8.  I honestly only read one study that included religion and it’s effect on parenting and teen substance use, so this was not a huge focus for me, but the study did conclude active participation in regular church programs and services had a positive impact not only on family relationships, but on teen behavior and decision-making as well.

If you’ve stayed with me this long, you know none of the eight above items comes as an epiphany.  My conclusion to this is over and over and over again we hear the same things…love your kiddo for who they are, PAY ATTENTION TO THEM, listen without criticism and with respect, set rules and boundaries…STICK TO THEM.  Talk with other parents regularly if you don’t know what the boundaries should be (although here I am suggesting you get ideas, not that you totally adopt someone else’s house rules…each family is different, just be informed as to what’s going on around you).

I share these things because as a parent who has been down this road, and continues to have a long stretch ahead of her, it is never too late to learn and it is never to late to ramp up your game.  As much as they might kick and scream about it, our kids are depending on us to blaze the right trail for them.

Last year I wrote and self-published a book about my life. The book, entitled My Mothers Footprints:  A Story of Faith, Calm, Courage, Patience and Grace, was written for two reasons: (1) because I found it very cathartic to process, through writing, some challenging times in my life; and (2) I wanted to help other people who might be struggling with the things I had experienced.  Basically, I wanted to let them know they are not alone.

I got the idea to write the book from a tattoo I had placed on my hip five years ago.  The tattoo has five words and five footprints.  Each word represents a trait my children have bestowed upon me, the footprints signify the journey of life.  The first word, faith, represents my oldest son who arrived in my life just shy of my nineteenth birthday.  Nick’s arrival taught me to have faith in myself.  My mother’s faith in me at the time taught me to have faith in myself.  I would like to say the situation taught me to have faith in God as well, but that is not the case.  Faith in God came much later…and, like the tattoo, step-by-step.

Faith is a very individual and very personal thing. It can take a long time to develop.  At least that is my experience.  For me, my pregnancy at age eighteen was the biggest challenge I’d ever faced.  I was raised Catholic, and my parents had very Catholic responses to what needed to be done about the situation I was in.  My dad was sure adoption was the only route for me…my mom thought I needed to pray.  My response to both was, essentially, “I got myself into this, I will get myself out of it.”  That being said, I have never, ever regretted the decision I made to give birth to, and raise my son Nick.

In the process of that decision, and consequently in the life I have had mothering him, my faith has developed.  In myself, and in something far beyond my comprehension, in God.

For me, God is a feeling of inner peace. It is something I feel in my heart. It is a deep sense that I am not alone in the ups and downs this life offers.  He is a feeling of reassurance that my life has a plan, and although it unfolds in twists and turns I cannot begin to understand or predict, my life is in very capable hands.  Part of this peace has come to me through reading, yet the book isn’t the one you’d think.  As I said, faith is different for everyone.

There have been times in my life when my faith has been tested.  The second half of the book I wrote takes the reader on the journey my son and I experienced when he fell into abusing alcohol.  During those times when it’s hard to have faith, or to believe in something larger than myself and my problems, I am so glad I understand that God works in ways I don’t always “get.”  I don’t know where I would be without my faith.

Right now I am very conflicted about whether my next step (after I achieve my undergrad degree in June) is to go on to graduate school, or to pursue my new love of writing.  There are several other thoughts I would like to develop into books…on the other hand, I chose to return to college (for the umpteenth time) in 2009 to pursue a degree in counseling, which I cannot do without a Masters degree.  My ultimate desire to to help young adults and their families along the road to recovery from drug and alcohol addiction.

Just like other uncertain times in my life,  I have faith I will be guided in such a way that the answer will reveal itself. That is the beauty of faith.